Putting In Order

My mother’s death (a mere ten weeks ago, at this writing) seems to have been the catalyst for a handful of completely unforeseen changes in my life. Some of them were extremely uncomfortable while they were in process, but not one of them has been negative. The changes are all ganging up on me with apparently one purpose: to push me toward my inheritance.

A couple of years ago, the Lord gave me a revelation that totally changed the way I looked at the various things I do. He caused me to see that "I" am who "I" am, and that what I do is nothing more and nothing less than an expression of who "I" am. "I" am not a songwriter, but writing songs expresses "me," at times. "I" am not a bookkeeper or tax preparer, but those activities express part of "me."

At that time, I had already gone through several narrowing procedures, as the Lord had pruned out of my life activities that weren’t productive, or didn’t adequately express who I was. Nonetheless, as part of this particular revelation, I realized that I was focusing on something (to wit, bookkeeping and tax preparation) that was by no means my primary personal expression. As the source of my income, it seemed an appropriate priority, but it never quite felt right, where it was placed in my life.

I don’t even quite get it; I don’t quite understand how the Lord did this, and I haven’t got a clue how He’s going to follow through on it—but He’s pulling and pushing me toward the most important thing in my life: Him. He’s removing distractions and lesser lights—not to mention an occupation that I depended on for my livelihood—in order to give me an opportunity to express the even greater things that He’s put inside of me.

This is awesome and scary. It’s one thing to know that if my relationship with the Lord isn’t sound, I won’t have the gumption to do the work that I can "naturally" do. It’s a whole new ball game when I really don’t know how the Lord is going to provide for my needs, and when He’s calling me into something for which I must have divine inspiration in order to function.

Do you know how to write a song? I haven’t got a clue how to write a song. I’ve written dozens of them—perhaps even hundreds—but I haven’t got a clue how to do it. And here the Lord seems to be calling me toward this thing I don’t know how to do, and away from what I have learned, by trial and error, how to do—the thing I’ve become something of an expert at doing.

It’s scary, but it’s a more true expression of me. There is one less conflict inside of me. The Lord is putting things inside of me in a more appropriate order.

I’m scared to death.

And I’m loving it, too.

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