First Place

As so often happens on and/or around my birthday, I was feeling gut-wrenchingly lonely. If you’ve ‘been there,’ you know how awful that is; if you haven’t, count your blessings. In my tears, I said to the Lord, "Why aren’t You enough? I want You to be enough!" I knew, though, and when I heard myself say that, I already knew the answer.

When God made Adam, He didn’t say, "I am sufficient for Adam. We’re good to go!" No, He said, "It isn’t good for Adam to be alone. He needs someone else." He didn’t say that Abraham should be satisfied with only Him; He promised and then gave him a son through his beautiful wife Sarah. He didn’t say Israel should be satisfied, wandering around the wilderness with Him. Instead, He seemed to be more interested in them inhabiting Canaan than they were! Even the Levites, of whom it was said that the Lord was their portion, had towns and fields throughout the country, and the right to a percentage of the produce of the land.

In all of this, what the Lord asked was merely that He be given first place. He wanted Adam’s obedience, even after Eve came into the picture. He tested Abraham, to make sure that he still loved the Lord more than he loved his son. He told Israel that they’d be in big trouble if they forgot Him after they entered the land. It wouldn’t be true to say that the Lord wanted to be their "only," but He did want to be first.

Always.

I recognized this place so quickly because I’ve been here a good many times before. I know the Lord isn’t asking me to be satisfied without a life partner, He’s asking me to believe that He will follow through on His promise to give me one. He wants faith to be the substance of what I am hoping for, until what I am hoping for has real substance.

I’ve fallen into this discouragement trap, seeing this building project that is very nearly finished, and still being alone, and sinking downward, doubting if that second lav will ever be used, the other half of the closet ever filled, or the other side of the bed warm. With the doubt and fear come self-pity: I’ve done all of this and gone to all of this trouble, convinced that God said … and for what? I just have a bigger house to be lonely in. What’s the point of that?

There is a phrase from a popular song that I’ve often thought about, because it’s so true. "The nearer your destination, the more you’re slip-slidin’ away." I’m nearer than I was to seeing the promise become a reality. Now is not the time to give up! Not the time to become convinced that the Lord was all the while deceiving me.

But now, while the other side of the bed is empty, and later, when it’s warm, God comes first

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