Praise and Gratitude

I was thinking, this morning, about the contrast between praising someone when they do well, and criticizing someone when they don’t do well. It seems to me that the two are habits that individuals embrace: one either habitually criticizes poor performance, or habitually praises good performance, rather than doing both. At least, so it seems to me.

Over the weekend, I did a bit of reading, and part of what I read related to praise and gratitude, and how they affect your heart. Both of them are extremely important to having a healthy heart. I’m not suggesting that correction or instruction, which overly sensitive people can mistake as criticism, are never necessary. I’m not even suggesting that an all-out confrontation is unhealthy. What I’m talking about is perspective. Are you looking for good things, or for bad things? Are you looking for what is right, or for what is wrong?

In my youth, my experience was no praise and all criticism. (A traumatic experience in my mother’s youth convinced her that praise made a child arrogant, and caused them to mistreat other children.) Improvement in my performance was expected from a combination of pointing out my mistakes (criticism) and praising others’ performances to me (implied criticism). So here I am, convinced that I’ve never done well enough, and without a clue of how to celebrate noteworthy achievements, and almost completely unable to relax.

Consider how much better it is for both parties when the one party recognizes the good that is being done while it is being done, and verbally acknowledges it to the other person. Let’s suppose a man hugs and kisses his wife before he heads off to work every morning, and when he gets home every evening. Let’s suppose she takes it as her due and as his obligation, and says nothing about it. Instead, perhaps she begins to fuss at him because when he his aim is off, and his dirty laundry lands on the floor instead of inside the basket, he doesn’t pick it up. Maybe he stops the hugging and kissing, because he’s beginning to feel picked on … and I’ll leave the continuation of the story to your imagination.

The fact is, it would be better for her if she had thanked him for his hugs and kisses all along. Had her heart been grateful for those little things, she probably wouldn’t have fussed about the clothes landing on the floor, and the hugs and kisses—which are also very important to a healthy heart—would have continued.

Over the years, I have learned, to a great extent, to practice that with people. More difficult, I’ve found it, to practice it with myself (to look for the excellent in myself, rather than the faulty) and, oddly enough, it’s been most difficult to practice that with God. That means that I’m getting along with people pretty well, but I’m often disappointed with myself and almost perpetually disappointed with God. And there is nothing so hard on the heart as being disappointed with God.

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