Breaking The Pattern

It is very possible that you reacted to the night light incident and my subsequent conclusions in much the same way I would have reacted five or ten years ago. What a stupid thing to expect a man to do! How could that possibly help a marriage—especially when it isn’t even related to marriage, as in my case?

So I will enlarge on the topic. To begin with, marriage is not an isolated event. A great deal of my marriage is going to be a result of the picture of myself and the picture of males in general that I take into my marriage. I cannot make a habit of being totally independent and expect to suddenly develop a new interdependent habit the moment I say my vows. I need to have a right picture of myself in relation to others now—or at least be growing toward that.

In addition, I am not an isolated person. I have three sisters, a mother, and two grandmothers (only one of whom I met, the other having died before my parents were married). I am not in the habit of looking at my life in the framework of all of these women, but in this case, the Lord brought all of them to my attention, and that backdrop changes the entire picture. There are a few characteristics that nearly all of the seven of us have in common, with only incidental exceptions. We are STRONG women, or at least we are/have been perceived as being strong. We get it done, even if we have to rise early, sit up late, and eat the bread of sorrows in order to do it. (In that case, I’m generally the exception to the rule!) We amaze people. ’She raised twelve kids? Wow.’ ’She has eleven kids? I don’t know how she does it!’ ’You’ve written two books and … and … and? Amazing.’ We apparently perceive ourselves as having little or no value apart from the work that we do and what we accomplish, and so we are always working and serving.

All of that may sound great to you. In a way, it sounds great to us, too. Unfortunately, it has a very, very, very dark side. Invariably we develop (unless the grace of God miraculously intervenes in our emotions) a bitter resentment toward the frequently unsupportive and unhelpful men we attract. Why? Perhaps, just perhaps, it is because "unless I wash your feet, you have no part in me."

That means that if I want to have a great marriage, I have to develop an entirely different picture of what marriage is supposed to be like. I have to be willing to accept having my feet washed—at least figuratively, since washing feet has no real meaning in today’s world. I have to recognize that I cannot have a real relationship with my husband if I am doing all the serving.

Unless he washes my feet, I have no part in him.

If this message has been forwarded to you, and you would like to be added to Charissa’s mailing list please send your request to info@charissaschalk.com. Thank you.