Users

I am of the opinion that we’ve all used people from time to time in our lives, and if we attempt to deny this, we’re probably looking at ourselves through very rosy glasses, indeed. In the following comments, then, I am not wishing to be critical or judgmental, but there is no point in having experience if one doesn’t learn from it.

I recently ended my business and personal relationship with a woman, almost ten years my senior, who all but makes a career out of using people. I’ve been acquainted with her for eleven months, and, unfortunately for my mental and physical well-being, it took pretty close to three months for me to realize that she was using me as a garbage bin, and to set some firm boundaries to limit my exposure and risk of damage. This wasn’t the first time I’d been used in such a way, but it was the first time in several years, and I particularly wanted to learn from this experience, because I’d rather not bother wasting my time in such a way again if I can avoid it!

I think that many of us don’t limit our exposure to users because we are deceived into thinking that we really are helping them. Unfortunately, I’ve concluded that this isn’t true—at least not in the way we think. Users are like the lean cows in Pharaoh’s dream: they devour the fat cows, but they remain lean. Eleven months later, I consider this woman’s life, and realize that, for all that she took from me in time and what we’ll call "wisdom,’ she is no wiser and no better. That is because users are also like the foolish virgins in Jesus’ parable: they haven’t bothered to be prepared or to gain wisdom or understanding from their lives, so when they get in a jam, they don’t learn to be more prepared, they just try to take from someone who is prepared.

In contrast, consider how Jesus dealt with needy people. He’d say the equivalent of, ’Do you really want to change?’ If the individual said yes, then he’d say, ’Do what I’m telling you to do.’ He didn’t sit and listen for hours to their problems. (Mind you, if you find it entertaining to sit and listen to people’s problems, that’s your business. I’m just saying that isn’t the example Jesus set for us.) He wasn’t hard-hearted, he didn’t condemn, and he didn’t point a critical finger; but he didn’t attend pity-parties, either.

The type of user I was dealing with is all about pity parties. They aren’t about learning—they’re too busy telling you about their problems and how they’re being mistreated to be able to learn anything—or problem-solving; they’re about self-pity and self-justification.

Lord willing, next time I’m confronted with a user, I’ll have the sense to listen to their troubles once, and then, lovingly, say, ’Do you really want to change?’ If they don’t, I can’t truly help them, anyway.

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