Now, Rest

I am, theoretically, about in the middle of my life. I can see enough of what I’ve come through to have an inkling of where I’m going. And here, in the middle, the Lord has shown me something that is radically changing my life.

Fear has ruled my life to this point. Not the kind of fear that people notice, but fear nonetheless. I’m not scared of heights or of going places or doing things alone or of doing something out of the ordinary. I’m not afraid of insects or dogs or thunderstorms. I’ve been afraid, though. Mostly I was unaware of my fear; all I could see—all anyone could see—was how I acted.

I was afraid I would never get what I wanted.

The invisible fear had very tangible results.

Afraid I would never get what I wanted, I sometimes cried when there was nothing to cry about. I did nothing when I could have done something. I did a little when I could have done a lot. I ran around in circles when I could have been resting peacefully. I tried to manipulate people and circumstances.

And perhaps the very worst of all, I often tried to make people give me what I wanted, because at the root of my fear was the doubt that God would do so.

So often we try to fix the outside. I tried this and that for my stress acne. I got massages for my tense muscles. I reasoned and worked to achieve. But all that was the outside. The acne and the tense muscles and the reasoning were the results of what was inside.

We try not only to fix our bodies, but we try to fix our behavior. Stop manipulating, because manipulation is wrong. Stop being depressed, because that’s bad. Get off your duff and do something, or you’ll be branded a lazy bum. Those things are symptoms, though. If I succeed in changing those behaviors, I’ll only have to come and change them again, because the change won’t—can’t—last.

It starts with my heart. To counteract fear, my heart needs courage. I am now convinced that courage starts with a word from God’s mouth, but it doesn’t stop there. Once God has spoken to my heart, I will need to encourage myself. I need to take what I have heard and speak it over and over again to my heart. I can’t "make myself be brave," but I can speak the words, the truth, God’s words, that will give my heart courage.

The Lord has spoken encouraging things to me for more than twenty years, and although I’ve believed them—sort of—they’ve never really taken root. It’s even been more than a year since He spoke the most encouraging words of all—that He’d give me everything my heart had ever dreamed of.

Finally, now, I’m telling my own heart the words that will give it courage. Courage overcomes fear.

Finally, now, I can rest.

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